I'm doing my best to be calm and collected.

A bee somehow just got into my room

and he's been checking out the books on the shelves,

and I think he's trying to get a sneak peak at this post 

before it goes live.

He's a book bee, I guess.

I think we should name him Unknown,

after our most frequent repeat offender.

Update:

Unknown has successfully been released outside.

We made him sign a confidentiality contract,

promising not to give any of the future book post titles away early.

Speaking of repeat offenders, though,

you might notice that we have three this week.

It's been awhile since we've had this many in a post.

I think this might be a sign of things to come.

Anyway, it's a lovely day

and I've written some one sentence stories for you

based off of today's covers.

(Goodness,

I can't tell you how much 

I'm looking forward to moving away from children's books! 

It's much more fun to write nonsense 

about books you haven't already read!)

It was the crime of the century;

no one even glanced up when the rainbow fish swam out

with all of the jewels plastered to his body.

They wished and they wished, 

but the lake nymph refused to grant their deepest desires —

they would just have to keep imagining that they were

Godzilla and the Yeti destroying a local metropolis.

(Imagination, they decided later, was completely overrated.)

The Alice in Wonderland tea party re-enactment was going well

until an actual mouse was found in the tea-pot, 

and the rest of the gang realized

Albie's new contortionist hobby was getting a little out of control.

It was one thing to say the writing was on the wall;

 it was a completely other thing to say 

the sea dragon was on the wall —

as far as omens went, this one was a doozy.

The monster erupted from the bath water

more suddenly than any of the children could imagine,

blinding those closest and barely giving the two guards

time to brandish their impromptu swords.

Sentence stories aside,

Heckedy Peg was AM the Younger's favorite book 

when she was little little little.

She had us all read it to her so many times,

I think we memorized most of it.

In fact even to this day, if someone asks me for advice,

there's a fair chance I'll respond:

"Don't talk to strangers, and don't touch fire."

What can I say?

It's good advice.

Today's a special day here.

Today we have another hundredth book count-up!

Huzzah!

Seriously, though.

700 books.

How insane is that?

And we're no way near done. 

In fact, I haven't even scanned all of the books on the third floor.

There's still about a third waiting for me.

Mull on that for a second.

It's ridiculous, right?

Today, in honor of our count up, 

I've decided to play one of my favorite games,

the movie game,

wherein I come up with 

the genre, the tag line, and the cast

for each cover.

As always,

you're more than welcome to play along

in the comments below. 

Book 696

The Wind In the Willows

(No lie, I accidentally typed

The Wine in the Willows there at first.

Now I really want someone to make

The Wine in the Willows a reality.

Just thought you all might like to know about that there.)

"A fashion crime,

the mystery of their adopted parents,

and a gassy medical diagnoses:

the Willows brothers friendship would be tested like never before."

John C. Reilly, John Cho, and and John Cleese star

in this Indie black comedy.

Critics give rave reviews, 

acknowledging the strength it took for the actors and directors

to avoid bathroom humor in consideration of the touchy subjects and awkward title.

Book 697

Scared Silly

"They traveled in a pack, 

but nothing could prepare them

for what hid inside the hat."

Animaniac's Yakko, Wakko, and Dot reunite for this 

big-budget Sci-fi thriller,

featuring a guest appearance by

Dame Edna

as The Pumpkin. 

Book 698

Cindrella

"Too many pumpkins,

not enough time." 

The culinary thrill ride showcases

Paula Deen and Nigella Lawson

in a creative gastronomic re-imagining of the classic fairytale.

Book 699

Cinderella

(Yep.

There really are two copies of the exact same book

right next to each other on the shelf.)

"There were only a couple hours left before midnight,

but that was more than enough time to hide the body."

Mindy Kaling stars in this delightful rom-com 

about a Saturday night out gone wrong.

Joining her in the cast are:

Betty White as the Fairy Godmother

Hugh Jackman as the Evil Stepfather

Jack McBrayer and Kristen Schall as the Evil Step-Siblings

and

Aziz Ansari as the Prince

And finally...

Book 700

Rainbow Fish to the Rescue!

"In the darkest lagoon,

she was their only hope!"

This poignant documentary follows the political strife surrounding pisciculture

that has roiled waters and incited ichthyological riots.

Re-enacting critical moments from the greater oceanic history, 

Sally Field stars as the Rainbow Fish and is supported by

Helen Mirren, Retta, Ginnifer Goodwin, Vivica Fox, Lucy Lui, 

Simon Pegg, Jamie Foxx, Lee Pace, Nathan Lane, Don Cheadle, and Martin Freeman,

who all play various background fishes.

Morgan Freeman, of course, narrates.

I had ice cream for dinner. 

I also just finished reading the first 

Game of Thrones book,

which was kind of weird because I've been watching the show.

Spoilers doesn't even begin to describe it.

I'm also getting over a cold,

which has been a bummer,

and I've been hanging out in Annapolis,

helping my grandmother out while she works out

some heart hiccoughs.

It's been busy, guys,

but I thought I'd take a break here

because there's something 

horribly important I need to tell you.

Book 691 is a lie.

It's not a book,

it's a puzzle. 

 I know, right?

Total brain explosion.

At least, 

I think that's what's going on there

with the cat picture on the box. 

Cats that can make things explode,

that's exactly what the world needs.

But wait,

there's something else.

Book 692 is also a lie.

It's this weird folder thing.

I don't even know.

I mean,

I'm not supposed to know. 

It's top secret. 

There are all these puzzle clues and what-not inside.

I'm guessing it's not really that interesting;

that dragon looks like he's ready to take a nap.

Maybe he regrets letting his agent book this gig. 

So now that the lies are out,

let's get to the truths.

This is a book.

But it's a huge book.

And it didn't all fit into the scanner.

It's also creepy as hell

(well, maybe not that creepy, 

but you know what I mean).

I see a horror movie in the making here.

I'm sorry to say,

things don't get much more exciting from here. 

I mean,

it's a coloring book.

Okay.

This one is sentimental to 

AM the Elder and me,

but what is there really to say?

Complain that it's already colored in?

That wouldn't be very nice.

And then finally:

Talk about mad claims there. 

Does it live up to the truth?

The world may never know,

because eh.

I don't care.

The Phebe cat is sleeping on my feet

and we're watching the tribute to 

Dick van Dyke 

on the SAG Awards.

I might just go have a second "dinner."

We'll play games next time. 

Or whatever.

want to hear something weird?

Three years ago today I got really bored

and decided it would be a good idea

to start scanning book covers.

F.Y.I.:

That’s not normal.

And yet, somehow BOMPS has persisted.* 

Occasionally,

like Madeline,

it’s needed help. 

We played games,

like that time MR and I sat at a bar 

and wrote one sentence stories. 

Then there were all those haikus

and fake movies

and other word games.

 There were times where no one seemed to know what was going on,

kind of like how I have no clue 

what is going on with 

the Happy Hollisters here. 

According to the title, they’re at “Pony Hill Farm.”

Guys, I think the farm is on fire.

Is no one else concerned about how happy those Hollisters seem to be about that?

Sigh. 

I digress.

Sometimes over the past years I digressed a lot. 

 In fact, sometimes I just disappeared altogether. 

But, apparently like the black stallion,

I came back. 

Is anyone else having serious culture concerns over this cover?

And those horses do not look like they’re having fun out there in the desert.

Seriously.

Seriously.

This is just a terrible animal post.

My whole train of thought is ruined.

Is no one else noticing this?

Why are these children’s books so mean to animals??

Especially when there’s perfectly good child slave labor

just hanging out there on the shore.

So let’s just move on to Book 690.**

I’m sure I can find something insightful and sweet

to say with whatever Book 690’s cover is, right?

…

… 

Nevermind.

Here’s to another year of judging books by their covers, friends. 

 *Seriously, worst acronym ever.

Why does it make me laugh so much??!!

 ** This book marks the end of a shelf.

And yes, I resisted making a sock joke about this last book there.

I'll admit it.

***Bonus points to those of you who noticed the repeat offenders in this post.

This is embarrassing.

I was going to write and publish this post yesterday,

but for some reason my computer  

(or my internet)

(or both)

has been having difficulties logging into the site.

Truth?

I debated writing this post,

backdating it,

and then pretending I forgot to share it with you all.

But you know what?

I have too much respect for you all. 

So I didn't.

You're welcome.

This post is a special post. 

It's ground-breaking.

For the first time since 

Books On My Parents' Shelves began,

I let my parents look at the books before 

I posted them here.

And so,

here for your reading pleasure, 

is the transcript from their reactions.

For the most part, 

the transcript is unedited,

although I did skip the "ums" and "uhs"

and other such unnecessary fillers.

Also,

because I am a brat,

my parents will be referred to as

"Mommykins" and "Daddykins."

I'm pretty sure I'll be out of the will after they read this.

SM:

Here is your first book.

Mommykins and Daddykins

(Almost exactly at the same time...

For reals,

Daddykins was only about a half second behind):

What is it?

Mommykins and SM

(Again,

at the same time. 

It's a family thing, apparently.

Mommykins also laughs before reading):

Chinese Jump Rope.

Daddykins:

I've never seen that book.

Mommykins: 

I think that was probably something

we gave one of you girls for a birthday present,

or something like that.

 Mmhmm.

I have no clue.

(Laughs)

Daddykins 

(to SM):

Or somebody gave it to you?

(Laughs)

SM:

Any impressions-

Mommykins:

Are we gonna be looking at all children's books?

Is this what's going on here,

because...?

SM:

So you can give me-

Mommykins:

They're not even our books!

(Laughs)

SM:

Well, they're on your shelves!

I mean, you can also give me your impression

of what the book looks like,

what it makes you think of.

Daddykins:

Well...

Mommykins:

It's a little scary.

(Laughs)

Daddykins:

You mean, 

what is- what's attacking that little girl?

Mommykins:

Mmhmm!

I know!

Daddykins:

It looks- that looks kind of scary.

Mommykins:

A blob!

(Laughs)

Daddykins:

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't-

I don't that-

It must have been something

someone gave one of you girls,

 because we would have just given you the egg rolls.

(Mommykins and SM laugh)

Instead of a Chinese jump rope kit.

So, yeah.

I don't know that I have anything more to say about that.

SM:

Yeah, Mum?

Mommykins:

I played Chinese jump rope when I was a kid.

It was fun. 

SM:

Book two.

Mommykins:

Another dangerous looking book!

(Laughs).

Daddykins:

Mmhmm.

Mommykins:

And another one that I don't recognize at all!

Daddykins:

I've never seen...

Mommykins:

I've never seen it before!

No clue where it's come from.

Daddykins:

Mmhmm.

It looks like the Bobbsey twins on crack.

(All laugh)

Mommykins:

Definitely!

Anti-male.

The girls are laughing at the boys.

Daddykins:

They're laughing?

I thought they were sick.

Mommykins:

Oh.

Daddykins:

Isn't she clutching her stomach in pain?

Mommykins:

I thought she was laughing.

(Laughs)

Daddykins:

I think she's about to throw up.

Mommykins:

I don't think so.

Daddykins:

Hmm.

Mommykins:

Laughing at those poor boys' misfortune.

Obviously a book for girls.

Daddykins:

Mmkay.

Mommykins:

And see as we had three girls in this house...

SM:

Makes sense.

Mommykins:

Three daughters.

Yeah,

makes sense. 

SM:

Book three.

Daddykins:

I've never seen that book before.

Mommykins:

I've never seen that book before, either!

(All laugh)

Daddykins:

Are you sure this is our house?

SM:

Yeah... yeah.

Mommykins

(reading):

"Totally hilarious and deliciously wicked.

"This is one book I never-"

(Stops)

"This is one book I never wanted-"

Oh!-

"to end."

I thought it said,

"I never wanted to read!"

(All laugh)

That's another girly book.

Daddykins:

Now is she wearing green tights,

or...

Mommykins:

Is she an alien?

Daddykins:

Does she have green legs?

Yeah?

Mommykins:

She could be an alien,

but her hand is flesh-toned.

SM:

Maybe she's just wearing a flesh-toned glove.

Daddykins:

Glove, yeah.

So she'll blend in.

Mommykins:

And that's why she has to learn English

as a second language.

Daddykins:

Cause she's an alien.

Mommykins:

She's an alien!

(Laughs)

Daddykins:

Must be.

Mommykins:

This should go on the Sci-fi section of our shelves.

SM:

You have Sci-fi section?

Daddykins:

Do we?

Mommykins:

No, not yet!

(Laughs) 

This could be the first book!

SM:

I want to let you know, 

you're not actually allowed

to start organizing the books

until I finish scanning what you have.

Otherwise it's going to be a terrible

case of repeat offenders!

Mommykins:

Well, there might be a few of those, 

cause I moved a couple of books.

(In other words, 

be warned, readers!)

SM:

Oh dear!

SM:

Book four.

Mommykins:

This one I do recognize.

I have seen this book before.

SM:

This copy?

Or just the book in general?

Mommykins:

This copy.

And I assume we read it to you guys at one point.

But I don't know.

We might have been totally derelict parents.

Just hand you the books and not read them to you.

SM:

We did kind of read a lot of them for ourselves.

Daddykins:

Obviously,

with those other books

we should have paid more attention about

what books were in our house. 

SM:

You approve of this one, then?

Mommykins:

Yes.

Daddykins:

Mmhmm.

I, of course, have heard of this one,

but I don't think I ever read the book.

Mommykins:

Oh, I like this book.

You haven't read Doctor Doolittle?

Daddykins:

No.

Mommykins:

You were a deprived child.

Daddykins:

Yeah, I just saw the movie.

(Laughs)

SM:

Okay, final book.

Mommykins:

I LOVE this book!

Daddykins:

Mmhmm!

Yes!

Mommykins:

I love, love, love this book!

And I love the bad hat.

Every child should read this book.

Daddykins:

I don't remember this book specifically,

but I do remember the Madeline books.

And they're fun.

They're fun pictures.

And silly little rhymes.

SM:

Did they rhyme?

I don't remember.

Daddykins:

Yes!

Yes!

They rhymed!

Mommykins

(From memory):

"They went to bed at half past nine."

Daddykins:

"And the youngest one-"

Mommykins:

How many girls in "two straight lines"?

(Laughs)

SM:

That's right!

Mommykins:

"The youngest one was Madeline!"

Can I have another piece of bread, please?

(Oh yeah, we were eating dinner throughout all of this)

Daddykins:

That doesn't rhyme.

She said.

SM:

Okay?

Mommykins:

So I guess, two out of five?

(All laugh)

Daddykins:

Yep.

SM:

So you think that's a percentage

for all of the books in this house?

Daddykins:

No, I think that's pretty high.

(Laughs)

Mommykins:

I sort of recognize the Chinese jump rope one.

Daddykins:

Really?

Mommykins:

I have a vague memory of it.

Daddykins:

You might have just tried to forget it.

(All laugh)

SM:

Okay, done?

Mommykins:

Mmhmm.

That's all you need?

SM:

Yeah. 

Just gonna write it as a transcript.

(In other words,

they were warned.)

Mommykins:

Uh-oh.

And thus ended my parents' observations and the recording.

The end.

It's been a long past eight or nine months or so.

And I know you must be disappointed in me.

Because, you see,

I've lied to you repeatedly. 

I've apologized for being away,

and then I've promised I'd come back soon and write more.

Falsities.

Untruths.

Lies.

But you know what?

It's okay.

I know you'll forgive me.

After all,

I'm pretty sure you don't show up right away

to read every bit of nonsense I write.

Our relationship is built on one or both us not showing up. 

This is just how things work. 

In other words,

if you don't read this post,

don't worry about it.

I probably won't remember writing it. 

See?

Everything's all better now.

By popular request,

(and by that I mean I asked my mother what I should write in this post)

today we'll be writing

One Sentence Stories

for each of these childrens' books. 

Woohoo?

They would have to DVR that evening's episode of CSI...

 tonight they had their own bunny to find.

Camouflage had never been his forte,

but Willie wasn't going to give up the game of

hide and seek 

now.

The accident had left him with only six fingers,

but at least he still had the rest of his limbs —

he could still reach for his dreams.

It had taken many days and countless tubes of paint,

but at last the painting was done;

now all Grover needed to do

was figure out how to get it back to the nest.

Okay, friends,

getting to this last book, 

I'm having some difficulty.

Look at it:

Making jokes about headless dogs

or debilitating spinal conditions

is impolite, insensitive, and wrong. 

I can't go there.

And I've really run out of things to say about red socks. 

I will happily send some of my wonderful

Tabasco Cinnamon Sugar Cookies

to whomever can come up with 

the best amusing and tasteful

(pun not originally intended, but okay)

One Sentence Story. 

Post your sentence story below,

otherwise the cookies are all mine.

Did you sleep well?

What did you have for breakfast? 

Did you have breakfast?

I have a cup of coffee. 

If you can't tell,

we're having a slow start over here.

Building maintenance is supposed to be coming by,

so I'm trying not to get too involved with schoolwork yet.

(I'm not going to lie,

I'm one of those people who cleans up their apartment

—stuffs everything in the closet, 

hides all of the floating papers in a drawer, 

and stacks all the books against the wall so they look like they're supposed to be there—

in an attempt to not look like an academic delinquent.)

So basically I'm just sitting here waiting 

until I can get back to putting post-it notes on everything

and trying not to get coffee stains on library books.

In the meantime, though, I've had a great idea for a new game. 

If you remember,

in past games we've renamed books,

written one-sentence stories,

and once I even designed new covers based off of the titles.

(That last one we're not doing again any time soon,

takes too much time.)

Today I was thinking we could do something a little different.

Remember that awkward stack of grad school books

I mentioned in the second paragraph?

(If you don't,

this might be a good time to call your doctor

and make an appointment to get that memory-loss thing checked out.

Do it now, before you forget.

Or just read the second paragraph again.)

Moving on.

Today we're going to give our five books from my parents' shelves new titles again,

but this time we're going to give them titles

from my leaning tower of research,

and then give a one sentence synopsis.

Sounds fun, right?

And, since I'm nice, 

I'll even include links to the original (academic) books for you.

Good times.

Farm City: The Education of an Urban Farmer

Hijinks ensue in the tale of a city's greening efforts when

successful urban farming leads to overly successful animal husbandry. 

Encyclopedia of Taboos

A young boy learns not to talk to or acknowledge plague victims

and why his village shuns decorative porch molding. 

With These Hands: The Hidden World of Migrant Farmworkers Today

A tale of personal strength and triumph:

Archibalda, a young factory worker, 

meets her dress-making quota, 

pays off her student loans, 

and follows her dreams

to go on to be a successful professional hot air balloonist.

(Yeah, I don't know where the name "Archibalda" name came from, either.)

You Don't Say: Modern American Inhibitions

A humongous, ghostly figure looms over a major highway

and must be overcome by a lone and lonesome traveler

in this suspenseful thriller, based on (not) true events.

Wrongs of Passage: Fraternities, Sororities, Hazing, and Binge Drinking

College life isn't what it seems in this

Alice in Wonderland meets Beer for Dummies tale. 

Okay, so I'm not actually reading those last two books,

Alice and Beer,

but I thought I'd include links for you all anyway.

Also, wouldn't 

Alice and Beer

make a great band name? 

Or just a great title for something in general?

Dibs.

So today is a little awkward.

I know, right?

What day around here isn't awkward?

But seriously.

Today is the day 

any extremist Christians we might have around here

will stop reading this blog.

Actually, I'm pretty sure we lost any extremists 

way back on the first bookcase,

what with all of the Yiddish-English dictionaries and such.

Actually, 

I'm pretty sure we never had any extremists. 

This blog just isn't that extreme.

Can you imagine if extreme blogging was a contact sport?

I don't know what that would entail,

but I would totally watch it.

I digress.

Today we have book number 666,

which is apparently the country code for Mali

and has something to do with Satan,

or, according to Yahoo answers, Satan's pet beast,

or, according to Wikipedia, a manga series named O-Parts Hunter.

It's all very confusing.

I guess Satan lives in Mali with a pet beast,

where s/he reads manga,

possibly on a beach?

That doesn't sound like a bad life.

We're going to overlook my general cluelessness, though,

and use this all as a theme for today's game:

one sentence stories.

The townspeople prayed for the reign of havoc and chaos to end,

but just as they thought it was safe to come out of their homes again,

the beast returned —

the gargantuan, bulbous fist of death ready and waiting for the un-pious.

(Okay, un-pious isn't a word.

Whatever.)

Being the anti-christ really wasn't that bad;

nobody messed with him on the playground

and by keeping a hippopotamus around,

he never had to worry about monsters hiding under his bed.

 The constant vacant look in the girl's eyes

had made Miss Honeyblossom suspicious,

but the picture confirmed her worst fears:

this child was the devil.

Mali hadn't been Marge's first pick for retirement destinations,

 but looking out into the dark night,

finally away from the Satanic Twitter and mindless news feeds 

that had overwhelmed her daily life,

she was finally at peace.

 It was the Scopes Monkey Trial all over again,

only this time,

science would not only win, 

but George would make sure the religious right knew it —

even if he had to use manga propaganda to prove it. 

Think you can write a better Satanic/Mali/manga sentence?

You're always allowed to play along in the comments.

But you knew that already.

So whatever.

How was your week?

I have some sort of sinus infection/flu

and am slightly delirious and feverish,

so we're going to keep things short today.

But hey, slightly delirious and feverish

should make things more interesting, right?

Let's play five words.

Photo booth jammed.

Money back?

Wolves on the brain,

literally.

Wrist-to-hand ratio: creepy.

No open-seas shenanigans?

Lame.

Did fashion week strike again?

(We're so formal and polite around here.)

Hey, guess what? 

It's Friday.

That's pretty great.

Also, guess what else?

After almost no snow this past winter, it's actually snowed... but not much.

I predict three days before Boston goes back to Spring weather.

Even so, a Friday looking all winter-y is also pretty great.

Also, also guess what else?

It's Friday and I'm writing mid-term essays.

That's... 

Well, let's just say I need a nonsense break.

Let's write some haikus.

Sure, the art was fine,

but an exhibit open

without wine? Not cool.

(Note: This book is titled:

The Life, History, and Magic of the Cat.

Just thought you'd like to know that.)

Chameleon cat he

was not, and that angered him.

Claws, static, revenge.

This is just an extra page from inside the book for my mum to see:

The umbrella was

really a lamp shade, but no

one dared point it out.

Vicious bunny tames

carrot; vegan magician

fears for life. Ta-da.

Forest fashion week

conflicting motifs battle

for rodent shoppers.

The end.

Now back to the grind.