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Books on My Parents' Shelves

My parents have a lot of books on their shelves. And by a lot, I mean there's seven tall and four half-size bookshelves all crammed with books. And that's just on the third floor. There are more books all throughout the house. Some are theirs, some are from their parents, some are from my sisters and me. Having recently gotten more bored than anyone ever should, I've decided to help them figure out what they have.

 

Monday
Jun272011

Books 591-595

We've been having so much fun with games

over the past couple of posts,

I figured we should keep going with them.

 

I have a few more games in mind

for the next few posts.

Let me know which ones are your favorites

and we can play them some more.

 

Today's game is all about haikus.

 

 

Lightning strikes again.

Electrical shocks and cats

shouldn't ever mix.

 

Hiding behind a

cat, Clarence had decided,

was bad for his rep.

 

 The house felt bad but

it had a strict policy:

no yowling at night.

 

 

 

This dog might really

be smarter than your honor

student. For realsies.

 

Obedience school

literal SAT scores;

still get points for name.

 

Butch substitutes class:

students learn "sit," "stay," "roll over,"

and prank call Lassie.

 

 

 

Craigslist ad stated

"One large bedroom. Lots of light.

Quail need not apply."

 

Good day for fishing,

too bad George had risen late;

the worms were all gone.

 

The house took two years

to build, and the contractors

still forgot the deck.

 

 

 

The pancakes looked like

potatoes, but no one said

a word lest they were.

 

There is no such thing

as too many pancakes; just

not enough stomach.

 

They ate out of fear:

no one knew which syrup had

the cyanide dose.

 

Corduroy itches,

but burlap is always much,

much worse. True story.

 

Spoiler: Corduroy

needs a button. That's not a

quarter on the couch.

 

"A little closer,"

the button thought. "And then my

death ray will get him."

 

 

Writing haiku posts

takes more dedication than

I had considered.

 

In other words,

it might be a good handful of posts

before we play this game again.

That's okay, though.

I have a good game lined up for next time.

Be excited.

Sunday
Jun262011

Books 586-590

New game

(because I'm all about games these days):

One sentence stories based on book covers.

 

If you feel creative,

you can always write your own!

 

 

In retrospect,

when she realized she hadn't washed her hands,

 Joanna regretted super-gluing Margaret's hand to the window —

it was going to be a long afternoon.

 

 

Mr. Wasaman tried to reign in the car, but it was too late:

the Distorted-Perspective Baby Gang had found them

and already poor Timothy's head was leaning off-kilter.

 

 

Everyone kept smiling,

but it felt forced now that they knew

the dark mop-like figure wasn't actually a dog...

how much had he seen and who would he tell?

 

 

Someone had replaced her machete

with a streamer;

revenge would have to be taken —

but only after the next arabesque.

 

Fido knew the cat was watching,

but he didn't care;

New York had just legalized gay marriages

and there was nothing the feline could say about them now.

 

Like this game?

I might have one more for us soon!

 

Thursday
Jun232011

Books 581-585

Things just got really exciting around here.

I just came up with a new game for us to play.

 

Instead of judging books by their cover,

I'm going to rename books to match their covers.

I'll include my titles (I have a few for each) under each book.

 

You can vote on your favorite titles for each book in the comments below.

Or you could play along come up with your own titles.

I would like that.

 

Ready?

 

Book #1

(Well, really it's #581,

but for this post, we're just going to use numbers one through five.)

 

 

1. The Blurry Camera Strikes Back.

2. Coats: They're Awesome.

3. Stalking for Dummies.

 

Book #2

 

 

1. I Think There's Something Scary Behind Me But I'm Afraid to Look.

2. The 90s: Stuff We Miss and Stuff We Don't Miss. Like Scrunchies. And Tie-Dye.

3. When Shorts Attack.

 

Book #3

 

 

 

1. How to Splice Your Own DNA.

2. Puberty: It Really Sucks.

3. Voldemort's (Also Nose-less) Cousin.

 

Book #4

 

 

1. Sing-A-Longs for Cats.

2. Noise Ordinance Laws for the Tri-State Area.

3. 53 Ways to Annoy Your Neighbors.

 

Book #5

 

 

1. This IS My Happy Face.

2. Hairstyles for the Follicle-ly Challenged.

3. Ties for Angry Mobs.

 

Now it's up to you.

Which titles are the best?

Or can you do better?

 

Monday
Jun202011

Books 576-580

I am tired.

And that's about all I have to say.

 

 

Maybe you're tired, too.

We could sit and drink mint juleps

and watch the movie version of Matilda,

if you like.

That would be nice.

 

Or we could drink gin and tonics

and discuss Serious Stuff.

 

 

Mr. Potak doesn't seem like the kind of guy

to mess around.

I think he would being doing shots of vodka

while we laze on the porch swing.

He would probably try to talk to us about Serious World Issues

and Stuff

while we try to decide if we're too old

to run through the garden hose.

Hint: you're never too old to run through the garden hose.

 

Oh!

I just lost my train of thought.

This next book looks amazing.

 

 

I don't know if it's good amazing or bad amazing.

Just amazing.

It looks like it would go well with a grasshopper

(the drink, not the bug).

Maybe I should start describing book titles in flavors.

This book looks minty.

And possibly a little prickly.

 

Of course,

we all know from the post the other day

that we'd drink brandy with

Danny, the Champion of the World.

 

 

And eat pheasant.

And then I'd tell you that,

for some odd reason,

I always associate

Dear Mr. Henshaw

with this book.

No clue why.

Just do.

Maybe they used to sit next to each other on the shelf?

 

But, at the end of the day,

if you ask me to watch Matilda again,

I'm going to have to say no.

 

 

My little sister practically wore our VHS version of that movie out

as a little kid.

I think I still know it by heart.

And, no offense to Mr. Dahl's story or Mr. De Vito,

but some things you can only see or read so many times.

 

Let's just have another mint julep and call it a night.

 

Friday
Jun172011

Books 571-575

News flash!

 

 

Book titles that state obvious ideas apparently sell!

If there are any agents out there reading this,

I'm considering writing a series of books

that will apparently be very saleable.

Possible titles include:

Cats Are Fuzzy,

Spilling Hot Beverages On Yourself Hurts,

WRITING ALL IN CAPITAL LETTERS IS LIKE SHOUTING,

and

There Is A Fly In My Office.

 

Speaking of ideas I have,

I wish Mr. Schultz was still around,

because I have some ideas for an extended version of this next book.

 

 

Specifically:

"Love is leaving enough milk for coffee;"

"love is staying up all night watching Doctor Who marathons;"

"love is watching my cat while I'm away;"

"love is telling me when I got chalkboard paint all over my face;"

"love is yelling at me so I stop having a panic attack;"

and

"love is not getting grossed out when I cut part of my nail off while cooking."

Truth:

these suggestions might be based on real experiences.

 

Someone else I would have liked to have met:

Mr. Dahl.

 

 

I would have asked him for a recipe

for cooking pheasant

with brandy and raisins.

And also to make me a hand-carved caravan.

I don't think Mr. Dahl would have liked me.

 

I liked this next book.

And I always felt bad for the kids.

 

 

For the most part, we tended to have pets growing up.

There were a couple of hamsters,

a few parakeets,

and then the cats.

Now I can't imagine living anywhere without my Phebe cat.

Thus, there is an eight hour car drive with an unhappy cat in my future.

 

But, let's talk about something I feel very passionately about.

 

 

I loved this book as a kid.

I Will Not being seeing the movie version that's coming out.

It looks horrendous.

 

Mr. Carrey, 20th Century Fox, and everyone else associated with this film

should be ashamed of themselves.

 

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