Let's be friends.
I know we haven't in the past,
but I think if we both made a real effort,
we could have a very successful friendship.
There will have to be a bit of give and take,
but that's to be expected in all friendships.
I could suggest some humorous reading materials to you.
Like this book.
I know it's a repeat offender,
but I'm pretty sure you haven't read it yet, Monday.
If you had,
you'd be making witty jokes like
"It doesn't look very new!"
That's what I said last time.
And we could be such good friends that
we make the same stupid jokes and still think they're funny.
maybe you could start two hours later so I could sleep in.
after we'd had a couple nice cups of coffee,
we could hang out in my office and pretend to be detectives.
I'm not sure what we'd detect,
but I'm sure it would be Very Important.
Lives Would Be At Stake.
Or At Steak.
And then it would be lunch time.
But when it comes to lunch time,
could you please not try to break my tooth
with a frozen carrot?
That would be wonderfully decent of you.
I'm not going to lie, Monday.
Right now you kind of scare me.
you kind of make me think of this cover:
And I'm sure this isn't the sort of reputation you want to have.
Stairs that are out of perspective?
A frog/toad/thing that might have it's head on backwards?
A fanatic who got his whites and colors mixed in the laundry?
And a bald Dr. Who monk who is probably going to start chanting
off-key at any moment?
These are not things to be proud of.
If we were friends, Monday,
I would show you the inside pages of this book.
We could laugh at how wonderfully dated
the interior designs are,
but still be fascinated and put a few ideas away
for future apartments.
I'm not saying we could be roommates, Monday.
There's too much past history for that.
I mean, you did hit me on the head with a tree last year.
But, that doesn't mean we can't be amused by this shower
and it's amazing wallpaper.
Or are those tiles?
In conclusion Monday,
please give my friendship proposal some consideration.
I'm sure it would be mutually beneficial to the both of us.
In the meanwhile,
please take this last book to heart.
Because you've been doing everything wrong.